


Sheogorath Versus the Military

by Sheogorath



Series: RL Sheogorath [2]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Autism, M/M, Madgod, Real world, UK military facility
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-11-26
Updated: 2014-10-20
Packaged: 2018-01-02 17:51:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 12,808
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1059766
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sheogorath/pseuds/Sheogorath
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>So what happened to Sheogorath after His return to our universe? Read this story to find out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Report on New Arrival

## Flamingo Land Zoo

#### March 3, 2010

### Report on New Arrival

Morning report  
At 8:53 a.m., two Pet Wardens from the R.S.P.C.A. transferred to our custody a large monitor lizard, which they said had been captured at the house of a woman whose disabled son had gone missing, her distress making her unable to provide any further information about the creature. When we removed the lizard from the cage it was in, we saw that it was dressed in top, pants, gloves, and boots of very thick black leather, suggestive of armour of some kind. It also wore a hood of the same colour, made of an unknown material which may be analysed. Once we had placed the lizard in an enclosure and removed these clothes, we saw that it had a long strip of material wound about its loins. This material was the same as the hood was made from. We removed this item, then began an examination. The lizard is black all over except for a wide red stripe across its face, obscured by more black immediately around each of the eyes, and red highlights on the scales of its body, tail, and human length limbs wherever the light happens to strike them, with its golden eyes having a metallic sheen. This is highly unusual colouration for a monitor lizard. It also has two teeth at the front of its top jaw that are longer than the others, which may interfere with its eating, and all four of its extremities appear to be analogous to ours. Another highly unusual feature is the high crest that runs along the centre of its head from the front to the back, and a similar-looking type of dorsal ridge down its tail, features more common on iguanas, but I remain convinced that the creature is some kind of monitor. The lizard seems to be in good health despite a palpably elevated temperature, but we cannot be sure on this point. It regained consciousness midway through the exam, but allowed us to continue without any problems. However, when we attempted to ascertain its sex, it fought us so violently that we were forced to give up because not even the largest doses of ketamine and acepromazine that we felt we could safely administer seemed to have any effect on it. After the aborted exam, we left the lizard’s enclosure to attend to our other charges, but were taken back about two hours later by one of the volunteer staff who claimed it was whistling, something that monitor lizards don’t do. When we got to the enclosure, it was sat upright like a human, but absolutely silent. However, when the volunteer started whistling a tune I had never heard before, the lizard joined in, carrying on when the volunteer left off. When I asked the volunteer what the tune was, he said that it was called ‘Song of Storms’ and was from an old game. Whoever clothed the lizard had obviously played the game a lot, whistling the tune whenever it was played, and the lizard must have somehow picked it up. However, I am still mystified as to how a monitor lizard learned to whistle, as that is not in their repertoire of sounds. We shall have to make more careful observations until we have a more clear idea of what further action, if any, should be taken.

* * *

Afternoon report  
This afternoon, the new monitor lizard escaped. It was somehow able to open its enclosure from the inside and walk out. Unlike other lizards, it walks on its hind legs as we do, and this delighted a little girl who gave it her ice cream while her mum was screaming at her to get away. The lizard ate the ice cream, then repeatedly whistled a simple tune that unaccountably caused some visitors to pull out their mobile phones to check them as the creature slightly bared its teeth with a delighted look in its eyes. Then it went to the nearby ice cream van, climbed inside through the serving window, and looked around before picking up a cone and serving itself a 99 with everything as the ice cream man watched in amazement. Since I am now unsure that this is a true lizard, I am forced to call in the proper authorities to deal with it. In the meantime, the lizard is back in its enclosure with a strong padlock on the door.

Dr Miranda Grey, Veterinary Surgeon, Flamingo Land Zoo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case anyone's wondering, the hood and loincloth are made of linen, a material that's quite rare in the modern United Kingdom. A zoo worker wouldn't be able to afford items made from it, which is why they can't identify it.


	2. Report on Unusual Lizard Taken into Custody

# MoD Laboratories

### Report on Unusual Lizard Taken into Custody.

#### 04/03/2010

Following a report received from Flamingo Land Zoo at 15:30 hours yesterday, it was decided to take a large monitor lizard of unusual colouration and form that they were holding into our custody, based on their reports of its human-like behaviour and seeming intelligence. Accordingly, at 07:30 hours today, a small detachment of infantry was sent to collect it and bring it to these labs so it can be further studied in an environment dedicated to such a purpose. When the squad arrived back with the lizard, it was not secured as it should have been, and as each was asked for an explanation, every member of the unit said that the creature had undone the straps that were holding it with its forefeet, then rolled onto its side and sat up as they aimed their rifles at it. However, as the lizard then made no further threatening moves, they did not open fire on it, but simply waited to see what else it would do. I can hardly credit these reports of the creature unstrapping itself, as intelligence and human-like behaviour would not necessarily give it such an ability. In fact, I would be inclined to believe that a squad member unstrapped the lizard him or herself out of curiosity, except for the fact that they are all professional men and women not given to such basic acts of stupidity. The squad further reported that after the lizard had got up, it sat quietly and whistled a variety of melodies, a few of which were familiar to them, most of which were not. Then an incident occurred which brought the squad almost to the point of discharging their rifles. The lizard stopped whistling to sniff the air before approaching Private Lewis and sniffing at her, then it reached into the pocket of her fatigues and pulled out the Mars Duo she had put there before embarking on the mission. It opened the wrapper as a human would, with only slight difficulty, and ate each chocolate bar with the same amount of enjoyment as someone who had eaten one before, but several years ago. The creature then appeared to grin at Lewis as it stroked her cheek with its right forefoot before returning to the trolley it had been strapped to, lying down on its side, and going to sleep. Needless to say, Private Lewis was quite apprehensive throughout her ordeal and will require some treatment for shock, but the lizard caused no physical harm either to her or any other member of the squad. It seems that the creature was only after the food. This is not surprising as, since it was picked up by the R.S.P.C.A. yesterday, all it had apparently eaten was a 99 and the remains of a six-year-old girl’s ice cream cone. I wonder how varied its diet is? It certainly does not eat like any other monitor lizard I have ever heard of. I will have to find out when the lizard finally wakes up, starting with what it should be eating. For the moment, it has been placed in an indoor enclosure so it can be closely observed during its first week here.

Dr. Matthew Wilson, Chief Herpetologist, Ministry of Defence Laboratories.


	3. First Report on Subject #3846

# MoD Laboratories

### Report on Subject #3846.

#### 25/03/2010

Over the past week, I have noticed that Subject #3846 is completely unlike other monitor lizards. Not only are its form, colouration and movements unlike anything seen in nature, but its habits are unusually fastidious. It selected one corner of its enclosure to sleep in, then selected the corner furthest from the other in which to defaecate. Also, while it eats once every day, it would not eat the raw meat that was taken to it. Instead, it simply ignored the favourite meal of monitor lizards, and when the meat was not taken away, at last picked it up and put it with the faeces in the corner of the enclosure. The subject refuses to eat anything that is not served to it in some kind of container, such food also quickly finding its way onto the waste pile, and I have had to instruct every member of this facility not to have food items of any kind on them whilst in its enclosure following an incident during which a corporal was pinned to the floor as the subject ate the man’s prawn cocktail flavour crisps. I am quite frankly amazed that the crisps could be smelt, as the packet was foil sealed and had not been opened until the subject itself did so. The two unusually long teeth in the subject’s top jaw do not seem to give it any difficulty with eating, so after some debate, I have decided not to remove them. Although they have no apparent function and would otherwise be extracted, one argument for their retention is the fact that I have found no way to successfully tranquillise the subject for the operation.

* * *

Since we moved Subject #3846 to an outdoor enclosure, I have noticed that it does not sun itself as other lizards do. Instead, it seems to actively shun the daylight when it can, closing its eyes and covering them with its forefeet as it rolls on the ground, hissing in apparent pain and distress when it cannot shade itself. It also seems to be more active at night, whiling away the hours of darkness by whistling various tunes which I have decided to record and play to others to see if anyone can identify them. If the subject is nocturnal as it seems to be, then this would make endothermy necessary, not a feature of any other lizard. I have also noticed a certain deterioration in the subject which suggests that it is starving, despite the fact that it eats every day and its regular defaecation points to the fact that it is eating enough for its needs. An examination showed the subject to otherwise be in good health. This is a puzzle that I hope to solve within the next few days, as it would be devastating to lose such an interesting subject. In the meantime, I have made the decision that Subject #3846 should be permanently housed in an indoor enclosure because of its extreme photophobia.

Dr. Matthew Wilson, Chief Herpetologist, Ministry of Defence Laboratories.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter, the crisps (chips in US English) couldn't actually be smelt, but the lizard heard the packet and correctly asumed that it contained food.


	4. Second Report on Subject #3846

# MoD Laboratories

## Report on Subject #3846.

#### 02/04/2010

Something extremely disturbing occurred with Subject #3846 this afternoon, and I can hardly believe it happened despite the fact that I was a witness to the events. Late last night, one of the workers did not hear the whistling that we have all become used to, so went to check on the subject. When she got to its enclosure, it was just lying in its sleeping corner, absolutely still, and no breath or heartbeat could be detected from it. It was removed to the morgue, and when I got in this morning, I was briefed on its apparent death before writing a report which will now have to be scrapped. Once I had finished my report, I ate lunch in the cafeteria, then joined Dr. Jubei Hashimoto in the morgue to start the autopsy to find out exactly why the subject had died. We made our preparations, then, as Dr. Hashimoto bent over Subject #3846 to make the first incision, it reached up, grabbed him, and sank its two unusually long teeth into his neck before removing them and pressing its lips to the wounds it had caused. I immediately pressed the panic button to summon help, but once a squad arrived, it still took several minutes to remove the subject’s mouth from the doctor’s neck, which was still bleeding. The subject was quite calm by this point, so I left it to be guarded by the unit and escorted Dr. Hashimoto to the treatment room. After he had had the necessary preventative injections and his wounds had been stitched, we ran some tests on the doctor and discovered, amongst other things, that he had lost almost a pint of blood. Since his wounds were not bleeding rapidly, I can only presume that the subject drank the missing blood. It seems that it is sanguivorous to some degree, and because it was not receiving any liquid blood in its diet, it had lapsed into a death-like coma, only rousing from this state with the nearness of its food. It also seems that the subject’s unusually long teeth are actually fangs, with which it pierces a vein to get at the blood flowing within. I will have to investigate further by going out to get some blood from the nearest abattoir and giving it to the subject after it has been transferred back to its enclosure.

* * *

As soon as I re-entered the complex with the blood, I was informed that Subject #3846 was standing at the door of its enclosure, sniffing the air and creeling as if with hunger. It seems that the subject could obviously smell the blood, although I remain surprised at the distance at which it was able to do so. As soon as I had poured the blood into an unbreakable container, I took it down to the subject’s enclosure and placed it through the hatch in the door. Subject #3846 immediately grabbed the container, drank the contents, then licked it clean of every remaining trace of blood. This disgusted the two soldiers assigned to watch the subject after the incident with Dr. Hashimoto, but it now appears to be a lot better than even a week ago. I hesitate to say this, but the subject seems almost like the vampires of Hollywood legend, except for the fact that it eats food and has a reflection like all other beings. After Subject #3846 had finished the blood, it put the container back down near the door of its enclosure, then went to the corner it sleeps in, where it started to rub its crest against the wall as if seeking some kind of stimulation. Believing that the subject would pose no danger to me as it had just fed, I unlocked the enclosure door, entered, and began to rub the crest myself. I was extremely surprised when the subject suddenly relaxed completely and leaned into my hand with its eyes half-shut, humming tunelessly as it did so. If this was a genuine reaction to the stimulation I provided, then it may provide an alternative way to temporarily incapacitate the subject whenever necessary.

Dr. Matthew Wilson, Chief Herpetologist, Ministry of Defence Laboratories.


	5. Third Report on Subject #3846

# MoD Laboratories

## Report on Subject #3846.

#### 05/04/2010

Subject #3846 is truly dead this time. While I mourn his loss, the incident which occurred could have had no other outcome. The subject had woken early, making a sound like vee-chen-tay over and over in a rather distressed voice while running back and forth, sniffing the air. Then he flopped down in his sleeping corner, apparently miserable, until a male worker opened the enclosure. Lifting his head, Subject #3846 sniffed the air and repeated his strange sound in a more hopeful tone as he ran towards the worker, then he grabbed him and pulled him to the floor before taking down his trousers and underpants, grasping his shoulder with his teeth, and mating with him. While the worker strangely did not object to this activity, the soldiers on duty felt they had no option but to open fire on the subject, killing him instantly with two shots to the head. Subject #3846’s body now lies in the morgue, awaiting destruction. At least we finally know that he was male.

* * *

07/04/2010

Today, the strangest occurrence took place. Whilst I was writing a report on one of the other subjects, I was asked to go Subject #3846’s old enclosure by one of the workers, and when I got there, I could not believe my eyes. The subject was in there with the male worker whom he has chosen as his mate, hissing and making sneezing noises at the perturbed soldiers who could not understand how this was possible. To be honest, neither can I. The only possible explanation is that the subject is immortal, but that idea is so fantastic as to be ridiculous. Yet I can think of no other basis for his reappearance. There is no other lizard on this planet like Subject # 3846, so it can only be him in that enclosure, but I know that I saw his dead body with two bullets in his brain before witnessing its destruction in the incinerator. I suddenly feel in need of a long rest. I ordered that Subject #3846 be shot a second time, and we shall see what results from it.

* * *

09/04/2010

As I was watching the body of Subject #3846 earlier today, I heard the sound of loud breathing. While I was wondering what was causing it, the subject suddenly coughed, rolled on his side, and sat up. Then he got down from the table and ran through the door before I could stop him, making his repetitive vee-chen-tay sound as he ran. By the time I caught up with him, Subject #3846 was in another part of the complex, enthusiastically mating with the worker he has chosen for his mate. I escorted the pair, who will have to stay together for now as there currently seems to be no way to separate them, back to the subject’s enclosure, then returned to the morgue with Dr. Hashimoto to examine the table upon which the subject had been laid. As we looked at the table, we found a single bullet, slightly squashed at one end and bloodied, which had obviously come from the brain of the subject. Whilst these findings are disquieting, at least I no longer need to question my sanity. The subject does not seem to be any kind of Earth lizard at all, but may provide evidence of extraterrestrial life. However, this begs several questions, not least because of the fact that the nearest body to Earth with an oxygenated atmosphere is the Jupiterian moon of Ganymede, and that is 14,000000 light years away, an incredible distance in real terms. We will have to find some way to communicate with Subject #3846 once his mating season is over. In the meantime, all we can do is watch and wait.

Dr. Matthew Wilson, Chief Herpetologist, Ministry of Defence Laboratories.


	6. Fourth Report on Subject #3846

# MoD Laboratories

### Report on Subject #3846.

#### 23/04/2010

Two weeks have passed since my last report, and a number of things have happened during this interval. The most important thing is that Subject #3846 seems to have acquired a name, as his chosen mate, John Fitzroy, started calling him ‘Nightkin’ a few days after the pair were moved to a one-bedroomed apartment on the complex. I ordered this change for the comfort of Fitzroy, but it seems that Nightkin has also been availing himself of the bathroom facilities and the bed, using the toilet with only slight difficulty. The apparent preference to do this when given the opportunity provides further evidence of Nightkin’s unearthly origin, as even the cleanest lizards of this planet cannot use a toilet. It also seems that Nightkin prefers to wear clothing, as he very quickly appropriated a large T-shirt from a selection of clothes that was delivered to Fitzroy. I will have a further assortment of clothing purchased for Nightkin and have holes made in the trousers and underpants for his tail. We have also noted the frequency of his mating, which is two or three times every night, and his protectiveness of his chosen mate. On several occasions, Nightkin has attacked soldiers simply because they are equipped with firearms, been shot dead, then resurrected in the morgue before running back to Fitzroy and mating with him wherever he may be, as if to make up for the lost time. I have had to give orders that only unarmed personnel may approach the apartment, as several of the soldiers are quite unnerved by having to kill Nightkin, only to see him back with his chosen mate a couple of days later. Another thing that has been noted is the fact that Nightkin is even more protective of his blood than of Fitzroy. When the pair first moved into the apartment, two days' supply of blood had been placed into the refrigerator. This resulted in Fitzroy being unable to get any food for himself, as every time he tried, Nightkin attacked him in a misguided attempt to protect his main source of nourishment. In the end, I guided Fitzroy in keeping Nightkin in a trance whilst the blood was removed, and it will now be stored in another part of the complex, a pint of it being delivered to the apartment four times every night. It also seems that, because of his current unusual lifestyle, Fitzroy has temporarily adopted nocturnalism, and has thus become ready to mate whenever Nightkin should want him. Right now, I thank the Lord that the UK military does not have the ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ rule which pervades that of the U.S., as I am not sure what would happen with Nightkin if such a rule were to force us to discharge Fitzroy. It has been obvious from the start of all this that the man is a homosexual, although the initial sign was missed. I wonder if he has a boyfriend who is missing him. I sincerely hope not, as that would complicate matters and may require the Official Secrets Act to be administered to somebody who does not even work at this facility before he can be told where his boyfriend is. One interesting thing of note is that Nightkin has not once whistled through the night since choosing a mate, instead merely humming the same melodies.

Dr. Matthew Wilson, Chief Herpetologist, Ministry of Defence Laboratories.


	7. Fifth Report on Subject #3846

# MoD Laboratories

### Report on Subject #3846.

#### 05/07/2010

Nightkin’s mating season ended today. I was not actually aware of this fact until Dr. Hashimoto came to me with a strange story. He had been eating a late lunch in the cafeteria when he felt someone watching him. He looked up to see Nightkin standing there with a longing look on his face, so he asked him if he wanted some of the soba noodles he was eating. Nightkin nodded, and when the bowl was passed to him, picked up the chopsticks with a grip that seemed to be adapted for his unusual hands before dexterously using them to eat the noodles. It is apparent that Nightkin had already spent some time on this planet before his capture if he understands English and can use chopsticks. I shall bring in a PECS the day after tomorrow to attempt communication with Nightkin, and in the meantime, will bring recordings of the tunes he knows to see how he reacts to them. I was fortunate enough that several of the personnel here were, between them, able to identify the melodies, and I was able to subsequently find recordings of them online during the three months that Nightkin’s mating season lasted. It is worth mentioning that Nightkin is now wearing the clothes that were provided to him, with the notable exception of footwear. I will have to ask him why he does not wear shoes or socks as soon as I am able.

Dr. Matthew Wilson, Chief Herpetologist, Ministry of Defence Laboratories.


	8. Transcription of Video of Subject #3846

# MoD Laboratories

## Transcription of video of Subject #3846.

#### 06/07/2010

Video starts 19:00 hours

Dr. Wilson enters the room followed by Subject #3846 ‘Nightkin’.

Dr. Wilson: You can sit where you like, Nightkin.

Nightkin looks at all of the chairs before finally sitting cross-legged on the floor. Dr. Wilson plugs in a portable CD player and inserts a disc, then presses the play button.

Dr. Wilson: I’m going to play you some music that you may find familiar.

‘Bastian’s Happy Flight’ from the film ‘The Never Ending Story’ starts to play. Nightkin seems to relax and smile before he whistles the main melody as it begins playing. Partway through, he starts twitching his tail to the tempo of the music, matching it perfectly. Dr. Wilson looks startled, then presses the forward button on the CD player a few times until ‘Music Box’ from the videogame ‘Silent Hill 2’ begins to play. Nightkin gets up and presses the back button on the player to restart the track from the beginning.

Subject #3846 ‘Nightkin’: (Singing) Cinderella, and the Little Mermaid too, and Snow White whose stepmother thought she slew, all fit together on this music box, and when you have solved it, a stairway key unlocks.

Dr. Wilson has a shocked expression on his face.

Dr. Wilson: You can speak, Nightkin?

Subject #3846 ‘Nightkin’: My name ain’t Nightkin, so I don’t know why you keep calling me that.

Dr. Wilson: Nightkin is what your chosen mate called you. What is your name?

Subject #3846 ‘Nightkin’: I’m Sheogorath. Who’s my chosen mate here? I didn’t think I’d have another after coming back. I thought I’d be back in my own body by now.

Dr. Wilson: Your chosen mate is a man called John Fitzroy, who works here. What do you mean about ‘coming back’ and ‘your own body’?

Subject #3846 ‘Sheogorath’: I was human, then I woke up in a land called Cyrodiil in this body. I did a whole bunch of things there before waking up back in my own bed, but still in this body. Who are you and where’s ‘here’?

Dr. Wilson: I’m Dr. Matthew Wilson, and you’re in an MoD facility. Why have you never spoken before?

Subject #3846 ‘Sheogorath’: ’Cos nobody ever said anything to me I thought was worth responding to before except that Nihon-jin dude yesterday. Those noodles he gave me were nice. Hmmm, MoD. That explains all the soldiers.

Dr. Wilson: How do you know Dr. Hashimoto’s nationality?

Subject #3846 ‘Sheogorath’: ’Cos he’s got a Far Eastern accent and wears his badge. ‘Jubei Hashimoto’ sounds Nihon-go to me, except the names are the wrong way round.

Dr. Wilson: Why is it that you go around barefoot?

Subject #3846 ‘Sheogorath’: Because the skin of my feet is so sensitive, I never wear socks or shoes unless I really have to, and only one or the other even then. I’m hungry, I have to feed.

Dr. Wilson opens the door of the room and asks someone to get a pint of blood. When it arrives, he takes it from the worker outside the door before having it snatched away by Sheogorath, who consumes the blood and licks the inside of the container and its lid thoroughly.

Subject #3846 ‘Sheogorath’: Thanks, I feel much better.

Dr. Wilson: Why are you sanguivorous, Sheogorath?

Subject #3846 ‘Sheogorath’: ’Cause I’m a vampire, duh!

Dr. Wilson: Vampires don’t exist except in books, films, and games.

Subject #3846 ‘Sheogorath’: That’s here, but I was made a vampire in Cyrodiil. Before that, drinking any quantity of blood would have made me puke. Even if it was my own.

Dr. Wilson: I see. How is it that you come back to life whenever you die?

Subject #3846 ‘Sheogorath’: I’m a daedric prince, so I’m immortal. How many times did I die and what were the causes of death?

Dr. Wilson: You died seven times, and you were shot in the head on each occasion.

Subject #3846 ‘Sheogorath’: I’ll bet it spooked the hell out of you when I kept coming back to life! (Laughs gleefully.)

Dr. Wilson: A little. Why do drugs not work on you?

Subject #3846 ‘Sheogorath’: I guess it’s because I’m argonian. Apparently, we’re completely immune to all poisons, and drugs have a much diminished effect as a result.

Dr. Wilson: I thought you said you were human, Sheogorath.

Subject #3846 ‘Sheogorath’: I was, but I’m argonian now. Get used to it, I had to.

Dr. Wilson: What does vee-chen-tay mean?

Subject #3846 ‘Sheogorath’: That’s the name of my sire, Vicente Valtieri. When did I say his name?

Dr. Wilson: During your mating season, you said it quite often. Why don’t you remember?

Subject #3846 ‘Sheogorath’: I guess during that time, my mating instinct takes me over so completely that I’m not really there. I’m glad of it too, as I’m normally asexual and it’s only during that time that I do have sex against all my other instincts. Afterwards, all I ever remember is protecting my chosen mate, and I’m surprised I can remember even that much.

Dr. Wilson: Wait a second, what do you mean that Vicente Valtieri is your ‘sire’?

Subject #3846 ‘Sheogorath’: He’s the vampire who made me. He’s been a vampire for three hundred years, so the sun doesn’t hurt him like it does me.

Dr. Wilson: How does the sun hurt you, exactly?

Subject #3846 ‘Sheogorath’: It really hurts my eyes, worse than it used to, and makes my skin feel like it’s on fire. I suppose I ought to be grateful it doesn’t actually burn me like in ‘Interview with the Vampire’. What date is it?

Dr. Wilson: It’s the sixth of July.

Subject #3846 ‘Sheogorath’: 2011?

Dr. Wilson: No, 2010. Why do you think it’s 2011?

Subject #3846 ‘Sheogorath’: Because I left Earth in 2010 and spent a year in Cyrodiil. So it’s natural that I’d presume my second mating season took place in 2011.

Dr. Wilson: You said that the sun used to hurt your eyes before you were made a vampire?

Subject #3846 ‘Sheogorath’: Yeah. ’Cause I’m autistic, my eyes are hyper-sensitive to certain types of light. I think that’s why I can see x-rays.

Dr. Wilson: You’ve never been x-rayed.

Subject #3846 ‘Sheogorath’: Not as an argonian, I haven’t, but I had to have x-rays a couple of times when I was still human.

Dr. Wilson: That’s impossible! No human ever born can see x-rays.

Subject #3846 ‘Sheogorath’: Which is why they say: do not underestimate the power of autism. If you can film an x-ray taking place with a camera that’s sensitive to the radiation, you might see the grey flash the machine emits. It’s about the strength of the light given by a 40 watt bulb. Can we get out of here now? The sound of that camera’s whining is starting to really bug me.

Dr. Wilson looks dazed as he leaves the room, again with Sheogorath following him.

Video ends 20:16 hours.


	9. Chapter 9: Sixth Report on Subject #3846

# MoD Laboratories

### Report on Subject #3846.

#### 13/07/2010

Since the session with Sheogorath last week, during which I found out his true name, a lot of things have been done. First I interviewed him and learned the spellings of the strange names and words he used, then I had him moved to the apartment that he had shared with Fitzroy during his mating season. He has asked for books, CDs, DVDs, a PS3, games, sudoku books, and an online desktop PC. All these things have been provided to him, except for the PS3, and the PC is offline for security reasons. I have been startled to note that Sheogorath can read and complete sudoku puzzles upside down, doing so as easily as I would if the books were upright, but I am uncertain as to what, if anything, this may indicate. I have also ordered that Sheogorath be allowed, with some exceptions, to wander where he will about the complex. However, this freedom has had to be curtailed for some time, as on the first night of it, he got into the area of the complex where the big cats are held and entered the enclosure of a jaguar. Sheogorath was somehow able to successfully feed from the cat as the soldiers watched, too scared to enter themselves, then he exited the enclosure, licking his lips. When I later asked him why he had done this, he said that while he had enough blood on which to feed, there was simply nothing like ‘kazheety’ blood. Surely I had a favourite food and could understand? I asked Sheogorath what a kazheety was, and he said that kazheety are humanoids descended from big cats just as argonians are humanoids descended from lizards. When I asked him what kind of lizards, however, he said that he did not know, Cyrodiil is on Nirn which is completely different to Earth. I asked him in what ways was Nirn different and he told me to google it. I will have to try this tonight, although I expect no results from my search. In the meantime, I have ordered that twice every month, one of the big cats should be drained of a pint of blood, and this blood be delivered to Sheogorath to prevent a repeat of the above incident. Whether or not he is human, I am loath to risk his life in another such encounter.

Dr. Matthew Wilson, Chief Herpetologist, Ministry of Defence Laboratories.


	10. Chapter 10

# MoD Laboratories

### Report on Subject #3846.

#### 13/07/2010

Since the session with Sheogorath last week, during which I found out his true name, a lot of things have been done. First I interviewed him and learned the spellings of the strange names and words he used, then I had him moved to the apartment that he had shared with Fitzroy during his mating season. He has asked for books, CDs, DVDs, a PS3, games, sudoku books, and an online desktop PC. All these things have been provided to him, except for the PS3, and the PC is offline for security reasons. I have been startled to note that Sheogorath can read and complete sudoku puzzles upside down, doing so as easily as I would if the books were upright, but I am uncertain as to what, if anything, this may indicate. I have also ordered that Sheogorath be allowed, with some exceptions, to wander where he will about the complex. However, this freedom has had to be curtailed for some time, as on the first night of it, he got into the area of the complex where the big cats are held and entered the enclosure of a jaguar. Sheogorath was somehow able to successfully feed from the cat as the soldiers watched, too scared to enter themselves, then he exited the enclosure, licking his lips. When I later asked him why he had done this, he said that while he had enough blood on which to feed, there was simply nothing like ‘kazheety’ blood. Surely I had a favourite food and could understand? I asked Sheogorath what a kazheety was, and he said that kazheety are humanoids descended from big cats just as argonians are humanoids descended from lizards. When I asked him what kind of lizards, however, he said that he did not know, Cyrodiil is on Nirn which is completely different to Earth. I asked him in what ways was Nirn different and he told me to google it. I will have to try this tonight, although I expect no results from my search. In the meantime, I have ordered that twice every month, one of the big cats should be drained of a pint of blood, and this blood be delivered to Sheogorath to prevent a repeat of the above incident. Whether or not he is human, I am loath to risk his life in another such encounter.

Dr. Matthew Wilson, Chief Herpetologist, Ministry of Defence Laboratories.


	11. Eighth Report on Subject #3846

# MoD Laboratories

### Report on Subject #3846.

#### 25/08/2010

It has been six weeks since I referred Sheogorath’s case to another government agency so his claims could be checked and verified, and I have just received the news that it seems his story checks out sufficiently that Angela Foster, his mother, will be brought to this facility tomorrow so she can be reunited with her transformed son. I have decided to record this meeting on video, as it will be useful to study the reactions of both participants later. To this end, I have requested that the camera in Observation Room 2 be checked and its memory card formatted if necessary. I have also explained to Sheogorath that he is to receive a visitor, but he did not react with the curiosity I expected him to, simply looking at me with those strange golden eyes of his before bursting into manic laughter. I have to admit that his reaction makes me slightly apprehensive about what tomorrow may bring, but perhaps the sight of his mother will bring him out of it. I have tried everything else to no avail. Throughout the time since it was discovered that Sheogorath can speak, I have tried him on chlorpromazine and other, similar antipsychotic medication, but he has not even experienced the usual side effects. This lends credence to his claim that drugs have a diminished effect on him.

Dr. Matthew Wilson, Chief Herpetologist, Ministry of Defence Laboratories.


	12. Chapter 12

# MoD Laboratories

### Transcription of video of meeting with Subject #3846.

#### 26/08/2010

Video starts 18:00 hours

Ms. Foster and Dr. Hashimoto are seated in the room. They both look up as the door opens and Dr. Wilson enters, followed by Subject #3846 'Sheogorath', who immediately grins and runs over to Ms. Foster, kneeling on the floor and hugging her. Ms. Foster looks blank for several seconds, then starts stroking Sheogorath's crest before looking at Dr. Wilson.

Ms. Foster: OK, it's a very cute lizard, but I thought you were going to bring my son to me.

Sheogorath is slumped by Ms. Foster, humming tunelessly with his eyes half-closed, leaning his head into her hand.

Dr. Wilson: Do you remember our telling you that Tidus had been very drastically altered? Well, you're rubbing his crest now.

Ms. Foster stops stroking Sheogorath's crest, shoves him away, and screams. Sheogorath puts his hands over his tympanic membranes and starts to rock back and forth, moaning. When Ms. Foster has finally finished screaming, Sheogorath puts his hands down.

Subject #3846 'Sheogorath': Why did you scream, Mam? You know it hurts my ears.

Ms. Foster looks stunned.

Ms. Foster: Who... who are you?

Subject #3846 'Sheogorath': I'm Daniel Foster. I know I've changed a whole bunch, Mam, but I'm still your son. Can't you learn to love me for what I've become? I'd still love you if you were the one who got transformed into an Argonian.

Ms. Foster: Prove that you're Tidus.

Subject #3846 'Sheogorath': How?

Ms. Foster: I'm going to ask you a riddle that only Tidus will know the answer to. If you can answer it, then you really are him. Ready? I have eyes, but cannot see. The wind and rain do not hurt me. Yet if the blazing sun should show, then back into the clouds I go. What am I?

Subject #3846 'Sheogorath': Considering the fact that I wrote that riddle, I'm gonna know the answer's an ice statue.

Ms. Foster grabs Sheogorath in a hug and he pushes her away.

Ms. Foster: I'm sorry, Tidus. I'm just so glad to see you again. The police told me it was very likely you were dead this long after your disappearance. You're the monitor lizard that was in the bathroom, aren't you' I wish I'd known.

Subject #3846 'Sheogorath': I didn't see you in the bathroom, and I'm not Tidus anymore, I'm Sheogorath. Can I go home now? I've missed everybody so much.

Ms. Foster: Can he come home in his current state?

Dr. Hashimoto: We see no reason why not, although there are several things you'll have to be briefed on before you can take him. You'll also need a second fridge in your kitchen.

Subject #3846 'Sheogorath': Hey, doc. You still got that CD with all the tunes on it?

Dr. Wilson: Yes, Sheogorath. What about it?

Subject #3846 'Sheogorath': I'd like it to play in the car. I'll bet there's more than one tune I've written lyrics to on it.

Dr. Wilson: OK, you can have it. If you'll come with us and your mother now, you can tell me what else you've written.

Subject #3846 'Sheogorath': I'll sing you _Epona's Ditty_ as well. You'll like that.

All occupants of the room leave through the door.

Video ends 18:32 hours.


	13. Chapter 13

# MoD Laboratories

### Report on Subject #3846.

#### 26/08/2010

This will probably be my final report on Sheogorath, with any luck. I will miss him as he has certainly been the most interesting subject that these labs have ever held, but it is only right that, as a human, he not be kept in a place for animals any longer than is necessary. An extremely interesting incident occurred last night. A small group of off-duty soldiers went to Sheogorath's apartment under the pretence of 'celebrating' something, taking with them several cans of beer and various bottles of spirits. Of course, the entire unit will face court martials once they have finished treatment for alcohol poisoning, but Sheogorath himself seems to be absolutely fine, not even weaving directly afterwards. Earlier today, when I asked him about the incident, he said that it was not his job to prevent idiots trying to drink him under the table, and he had welcomed the chance to fully test his poison immunity. Then he sat and laughed at nothing for several minutes. I remain apprehensive about today's visit, but still hope that the sight of his mother can bring Sheogorath somewhat nearer to a normal mental state.

* * *

Sheogorath has now returned home with his mother, and although the recorded portion of the visit went off without a hitch, the briefing afterwards was nearly disastrous. Myself, Dr. Hashimoto, Ms. Foster, and Sheogorath had just entered my office when a knock was heard at the door. The worker who opened it saw that we were busy and began to leave, but it was too late as Sheogorath had already smelt the blood in the container that the worker was holding, and shot across the room at a preternatural speed to snatch the container away, gulping its contents then cleaning it with his tongue as is his habit. Ms. Foster had seen what was in the container and rounded on myself and Dr. Hashimoto, calling us monsters for turning her son into a 'bloodthirsty freak'. Sheogorath himself informed his mother that when he had been offered the chance to become a vampire by Vicente Valtieri, he had accepted of his own free will and was now a 'sanguivore' as a result. I explained to Ms. Foster that that was why she would need a second refrigerator, otherwise Sheogorath would instinctively attack anyone trying to get food from the fridge in which his blood was stored. After myself and Dr. Hashimoto had briefed her on several other things, like Sheogorath's apparent immortality, his hypomania, and the fact that it seemed as if he had somehow entered one of his games, which had resulted in his altered state, over two hours had gone by and Sheogorath was looking bored, singing songs that I have never heard before, but which have the same tunes as some of the melodies he likes to whistle. He also whistled a tune that made Ms. Foster look at him with fond exasperation, explaining that he'd been whistling it on and off ever since hearing a steam organ playing it in 'The Lost Boys' on Film4 the week before he'd left the house. Once Ms. Foster's briefing was over, Sheogorath kept his promise and sang 'Epona's Ditty', which he said he'd written to 'Epona's Song' from 'The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time', then provided me with a handwritten copy of the lyrics of the song he had sung to 'Music Box' at my request, although I'll have to use a mirror to read it. I learnt from Sheogorath that he does not write under his own name, but under the pseudonym of 'Romersa's Protégé', after the more famous lyricist and voice actor, Joe Romersa. He also told me of all the songs, poems, and jokes that he had written. I am surprised that Sheogorath is still unemployed, as he is clearly a prolific writer.

Dr. Matthew Wilson, Chief Herpetologist, Ministry of Defence Laboratories.


	14. Chapter 14

### October 04, 2010

## To whomsoever may find this:

I first started hearing reports of a very human-like lizard in an area of Rotherham, South Yorkshire about a month ago, and decided to check them out for myself a few days ago despite my editor's refusal to let me investigate further. Having made up my mind on this point, I purchased several video cameras with large capacity memory cards, then set off from my home outside Sheffield to see if the reports were true. Once I got into the Parkgate area, I parked my car in a side street, then started walking up Broad Street on my way to Rawmarsh Hill. On the way, I came across an elderly man and asked him if he knew anything about a humanoid lizard.

"You must mean Sheogorath," he said. "The kid's a bit touched, like, but he's alright. He'll probably be at the Music Factory today."

I thanked him and set off for Fitzwilliam Road. Arriving hot and flustered at the studio a few minutes later, I went to the reception desk and asked for 'Mr. Sheogorath,' and the lady behind the desk asked me for my I.D. Realising that she might read the paper I work for and recognise my name, I made a pretence of rooting through my pockets before claiming that I must have forgotten it or something. The woman looked unimpressed as she told me that I couldn't see the focus of my search. So I left and sought clues as to where his house was instead. On the left side of Rawmarsh Hill as I walked up, there was a Bargain Booze, so I went in to ask if anybody there could tell me where Sheogorath lived. There was no need of any questions, however.

'"Hi, Ange."

"Hi, Sammy. Can I have a large bottle of vodka with that?"

"Of course you can. Is it for Sheogorath?"

"Yeah, you know what he's like. Of course, I'm not having another party like last week!"

"Why, what happened?"

"Didn't you hear? Five of the lads didn't believe that he can't get drunk as easily as we can and challenged him to a drinking competition. They had to be treated in Rotherham General for alcoholic poisoning."

"They should've known better than to try and drink an Argonian under the table."

"That's exactly what Sheogorath said!"

I didn't hear the rest of the conversation as I chose that moment to leave the shop and wait for Ange to come out again, then followed her as she walked to her house on Bear Tree Close. Once I'd seen her enter, I walked all the way back to my car and drove it nearer before taking my cameras out of the boot and setting them up in several strategic locations. Now everything was set up, and I would see what I would see.

I waited for a couple of hours until the sky had gone dark, then saw what looked like a human form with a strangely shaped head and a thick tail cross behind the frosted glass in the front door. I switched on my cameras with the remote controls they had come with, then got out of the car and walked up the path of the house. I rang the bell and the door was opened by the woman I had seen in the shop earlier.

"Yes? Can I help you?"

"Hi. I'm Richard Marsden, a reporter at The Star, and I was wondering if I might speak to Mr. Sheogorath."

"I'm sorry, there's no Sheogorath here. Maybe next door."

She was about to close the front door again when a man's voice said, "It's all right, Mam, let him in. I may become the subject of a cautionary tale about the dangers of gaming too much. That should please Crazy Ivan!"

The woman, Ange, opened the door and allowed me inside. I stood in a hallway that had a staircase going up to the second floor, but that wasn't the subject of my interest. Stood on two legs in front of me was a six-foot lizard with black scales, a crest, red patches on its face, and I could see a red sheen on the scales of its arms, feet, and tail where the light hit them as they emerged from its clothing. I was startled by this, for it wore trackie bottoms and a T-shirt, with a hole cut in the pants for its tail to come through. Then I was stunned when the man's voice I'd heard before came from its mouth.

"So, is there anything in particular you want to ask me, or are you just satisfying your curiosity? 'Cos you know what happened to the cat."

"I just wanted to ask you about yourself. I mean, how does someone like you even exist?"

"I honestly don't know, but I've been playing less games on my consoles and PC since getting sucked into 'The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion' and winding up like this. Come on, I'll make you a coffee. Two sugars and just a drop of milk, right?"

"How do you know that?"

"Autistic sense of smell, plus Argonian sense of smell, plus vampiric sense of smell equals olfactory organs that can pick up the slightest scent. And I can smell the remains of your last purchase from Starbuccaneers coming through your pores."

I couldn't believe what I'd just heard. _Vampiric_ sense of smell? I decided that I was hearing things and offered to get the milk out of the fridge without further comment.

"Sure, go ahead."

I had only just started to open the fridge when I suddenly found myself on the floor, Sheogorath pinning me down, hissing and making sneezing noises at me. Ange, who'd heard the commotion, came rushing in and started rubbing his crest, making him release me to lean into her hand, humming softly and tunelessly with his eyes half shut.

"What did you do?"

"I don't know. I was only going to get the milk out."

Ange looked up and said, "Ah, wrong fridge. Never open the fridge with Sheogorath's name on it, he's extremely protective of his food. By the way, I'm Angela Foster."

As I stood up and dusted myself off to shake her hand, I replied, "Pleased to meet you, Ms. Foster. And I shall be more careful from now on. Just out of interest, what exactly is _in_ that fridge?"

"Like I said, Sheogorath's food. It's up to him if he wants to tell you more."

Ms. Foster chose that moment to stop rubbing Sheogorath's crest, and he looked up and asked her what had happened.

"Mr. Marsden went to get the milk from the wrong fridge, that's all."

"Call me Richard," I said.

Sheogorath sniggered for some reason, then got up and went back to making my coffee as if nothing had happened before getting a glass and pouring himself some Pepsi from a bottle in the fridge I should have opened.

"There you go," he said, handing me the mug of coffee. "Poppins style."

"Poppins style?"

"Take a sip."

I did. The coffee had been made perfectly to my taste, and I said so.

"Just like Mary Poppins; 'Practically perfect in every way'."

I got the joke and laughed, then Sheogorath invited me to see his room.

"That's what reporters always want to see, isn't it? The bedrooms of famous interviewees?"

I agreed and followed him upstairs, then sat in a couch across from his high-sleeper bed as he had already taken the chair beneath it. I put my mug on the floor to get out my notebook and pen.

"You're never going to believe what I am unless I either feed in front of you or take my meal direct from the source," Sheogorath said in a soft and soothing voice as he put his glass on the computer desk behind him, slowly standing up and sashaying over to me, his tail gently waving from side to side. "And I haven't had it fresh since the jaguar."

I simply sat there as Sheogorath came ever nearer, the sway of his hips seeming to transfix me, and my breathing slowing until I seemed like someone asleep, except I was wide awake and horribly aware of every painfully seductive movement he made.

"Would you like me to show you what I am in my own special way?" his voice almost purred, the strange metallic sheen of his golden eyes further hypnotising me.

My own voice was thick as, almost against my will, I murmured, "Yes, please show me."

I was aware of stirrings within myself that seemed unnatural given the surroundings, but they also seemed so right that I had no choice but to give in to them and the owner of the voice that was creating them.

"Mmmm, I'm just so hungry and you smell _so_ good," the voice purred into my dazed brain just before I felt two sharp pains pierce my neck simultaneously. 

As I felt these pains, the internal stirrings coalesced in my lower belly and groin as my penis began to harden, the movements of Sheogorath's lips and tongue against my neck only causing the material of my pants to be strained further. Then, as I felt my wounds being licked and the pains in my neck easing, I finally, mercifully, found release. It was at that moment that everything went dark for a while.

When I opened my eyes again, I was aware of moisture around my genitals, then saw Sheogorath sitting on his chair, calmly eating eggs.

"How long have I been out?" I asked, feeling muddled and weak.

"I dunno. At least seventeen minutes," came the response.

"If you don't know, how do you know that it's been at least seventeen minutes?"

"Because that's how long it takes to hard boil three medium eggs started in cold water in the same saucepan. I made you a fresh cup of coffee and a beef and spinach sandwich while I was in the kitchen, as well. You should definitely eat the sandwich. You'll need the protein and iron."

"Why is that?"

"Because if my normal appetite is anything to go by, you've lost at least a pint of blood and you'll need the iron and protein to replace it. Hey, I'm better than the Blood Service. All they'll give you is a biscuit or a glass of orange squash, and tough shit if you've got dietary disabilities preventing you from consuming either. I made the sandwich with Genius Bread just in case you've got gluten intolerance. We still have slices of it in the freezer for visitors."

I looked at Sheogorath, the first bite of my sandwich half chewed and the horror dawning in my mind.

"Wait. You mean you fed on my blood? You're really a vampire?"

"Yeah, and I was about to have my first feeding of the night when you rang the doorbell. Since nobody official visits at seven p.m., I knew you were here for some other purpose. So I took advantage of the situation. After all, I was hungry and you were keeping me from feeding."

"So what exactly happened?"

"I brought you up here, hypnotised you, fed on you, and you came in your pants. Don't worry, you're not the first to have done that. You held me in the same way that Matthew did, as well," Sheogorath said, amusement clear in his voice.

"And will _I_ become a vampire now?"

"This isn't the fantasies of Bram Stoker or Anne Rice, you know. You'll not change just because I fed on you, and feeding you my own blood would simply be a waste of it. Besides, being the sire of a vampire who's chronologically older than I am would be just too weird. Like fathering my father."

"Why, how old are you?"

"Eighteen, so about half your age, I guess."

"How do you know so much for someone so young?"

"I'm Autistic, so I retain a lot of what I see and hear."

"Wait. If you're a vampire, why do you need to eat?"

"I don't. But if I didn't eat at least once every night, then my digestive system would stop working as the muscles atrophied. I eat to keep everything moving and healthy. Any other stupid questions?"

Sheogorath gave the word stupid the American pronunciation, 'stoopid'. 

"Hang about," he then said, "I'm gonna stick some music on."

He moved the mouse of the PC that was behind his chair, then, once the monitor screen had brightened with an image of a moustached man wearing a conquistador's helmet, clicked on the Windows Media Player icon on the taskbar below it. He double-clicked on a title that read 'Crazy Ivan's Anathema,' then clicked on the first song before I could see what it was. I was surprised to hear Cole Porter's voice start to sing 'Anything Goes' as with another click, the screen filled with a screensaver that seemed to move in time with the music. The music was quite loud where I was sat, and I said so.

"Oh, sorry," Sheogorath said, then he clicked on the speaker icon and brought the volume down from thirty percent to ten percent. "I can take it down further if you want, but it'll be really hard for me to hear it while we're talking."

"How do you _do_ that?" I asked.

"Do what?"

"Make the music so audible and clear with the speakers at only ten percent?"

"The speakers are at a _hundred_ percent, as is the media player. It's the output from the PC that's at ten percent. I plugged PSP speakers into the headphone jack and turned them up full. But that's nothing. I've also replaced the soundtracks of my PS3 games, and I've been doing the same thing on my sixth generation consoles, using the same method, since I was ten or eleven. When Sony wants to make a thing impossible, they forget that there's no such word in the Autistic dictionary!"

"Show me."

Sheogorath paused the music that was playing on the PC, then turned on the TV and booted up his PS3. He picked up the controller and started 'Bioshock 2', then picked up a remote control and pressed the pause button on it. I was amazed when I could hear Linkin Park performing 'Easier to Run' through the single speaker on the front of the TV as the sound effects of the game could also be heard. I was then stunned as the music cut out when the PS3 was shut off again.

"How did you do that?"

"I'm not telling you my exact method, but I'll give you a clue; 'With SCART, there can be a picture without sound, but there can't be sound without a picture.' As Sony themselves used to say; 'Do not underestimate the Power of Autism,'" Sheogorath said as he unpaused the music on the PC.

"How can you paraphrase _that_?" I asked in amazement.

"It's from an old advert that was on TV from when I was about three or four. Like I said, because I'm Autistic, I tend to retain what I see and hear. If I can process it accurately, that is."

"There's one thing I'd like to know, why hasn't anybody killed you since you're a vampire?"

"Apparently, they did. Eight times, to be exact, but I just kept coming back to life. It seems that although there's no magic on Earth, preventing me from even summoning Haskill, that hasn't stopped the physical aspects of my change remaining. So I'm an Argonian, a vampire, and immortal. Immortality's the only side benefit I've retained from becoming the Madgod. Although I wasn't killed because I'm a vampire."

"So why _were_ you killed?"

"Don't know, but I reckon it had something to do with the mating season because that's the only time I don't really form memories, and I don't remember dying seven times of the total eight. Hey, I could take that act on the road. People can kill me using any method they choose, then they can sit there for two or three days and watch my body heal before I come back to life again. David Blaine and then some!"

"What if your body was destroyed somehow?"

"A new one should be formed for me. That's how it works in the game, anyroad. Wait on."

Sheogorath held still as a tinkly music box tune came to an end, then as the next piece began, started singing:

"Eike Kusch, I'll track you  
Eike Kusch, I'll kill you  
Because you took Mommy from me  
When you gave that Red Stone to Daddy

Eike Kusch, I'll track you  
Eike Kusch, I'll kill you  
When you are least expecting me  
I will strike you down from an alley

I am gonna track you!  
I am gonna kill you!  
Eike Kusch, I will prevent your sin!"

"That's rather violent, isn't it?" I nervously asked.

"Hugo Wagner's a rather violent lad," Sheogorath responded, giving the surname a German pronunciation. "Google 'Shadow of Memories' if you want to find the basis of that song. It's in the plot."

"What you sang to was an instrumental piece. Where did you learn the lyrics?"

"I didn't learn them anywhere, I wrote them. Nearly a year ago, now."

"What was the music you wrote them to?"

"The music that plays on the load screen of the game, which is what you heard. I sometimes do write apposite lyrics to music from various games, so 'Fairytale Music Box' was written to 'Music Box' from 'Silent Hill 2', 'Sheikah Lullaby' was written to 'Zelda's Theme' from 'Ocarina of Time', and 'Vengeance in Lebensbaum' that you just heard was written to 'Main Loop 2' from 'Shadow of Memories.' I also wrote a song called 'Song of Legend' to 'Temple of Time' from 'Ocarina of Time,' but the actual music is very slow, so I tend to do without it in order to speed up the tempo. Ain't you tired yet?"

"What you're telling me is too fascinating for me to be tired. What about you?"

"Nah, I'm nocturnal."

"About your vampirism. How does the sun affect you?"

"Well, it hurts my eyes a lot worse than when I was human, and on bright days I can see almost nothing at all, just silhouettes coming towards me from shadows whenever I crack my eyes open far enough. The sun also makes my skin feel as if I'm on fire, and the brighter it is, the worse the pain. The weird thing is that I've never had more than the slightest heat rash, and I've had to lift my scales to see _that_." 

"How can vampires be killed?"

"Any old way, really. We're known for longevity and disease immunity, but if you want to kill one of us, then any method will do."

"So I could poison you and you would die?"

"Well, you could poison Vicente Valtieri and he would die, but my own case is different because I'm Argonian. We're known for poison immunity. Hey, Madame la Guillotine!"

"What?"

"Well, decapitation's in a lot of the legends, and me and the other Daedric Princes would be the only ones to survive it. So you could use a guillotine to kill a vampire."

"You said that you're immune to poison?"

"Yeah, and that means drugs have a diminished effect on me. For example, we had a party last week, and five other lads challenged me to a drinking competition. By the time the last one was too hammered to continue, I was only just starting to get tipsy. Stupid weak Earth spirits. In Cyrodiil, it only took twenty bottles of mead to give me a good buzz. If they'd been bottles of Cyrodiilic brandy, I'd've been truly skunked!"

"What are those Daedric Princes you mentioned earlier?"

"There's thirteen of us as far as I know. Mehrunes Dagon, whom my character had to get Martin Septim past at the end of Oblivion; Nocturnal, the Daedric Prince of Shadow; there's me, Sheogorath, the Daedric Prince of Madness; and I really can't be bothered telling you about the others. You'll just have to google them!"

Sheogorath gave a laugh with a slightly manic tone to it, exposing the fangs I'd felt in my neck earlier, and I recalled what the elderly gentleman earlier in the evening had said about him being 'a bit touched'.

"You're the Daedric Prince of Madness?"

"Yeah. When I took on the mantle of Madness, I got the whole deal. Powers, identity, everything. Most of the powers don't work because they're spells, and magic doesn't exist here, but I'm still immortal because that's a physical aspect, like me being an Argonian and a vampire."

"Wouldn't a Prince of Madness have to be mad himself?"

"I guess not, though I fool people into thinking I am."

"How do you do that?"

"Simply with how I act. I'm pretty successful at it, too. For example, I wound up in this place that stuck me on one drug after another, but they must have found out there's nothing wrong with me because they took me off them again."

"What medications did they put you on?"

"Chlorpromazine, haloperidol, risperidone, and a whole bunch of other stuff I don't remember the names of."

"Those are psychiatric medications. Those people must have thought you were mentally ill to put you on them."

"So why'd they take me off them again?"

I was becoming aware of the dampness in my underwear drying to a thick, gluey paste.

"May I use your bathroom?"

"Sure. Straight out, turn left, right in front of you."

I spent about fifteen minutes in the bathroom, using the toilet as well as cleaning myself up, and when I got back to the bedroom, Sheogorath had his eyes closed as he was singing:

"Here's a lullaby to close your eyes, goodbye  
It was always you that I despised  
I don't feel enough for you to cry, oh no  
Here's a lullaby to close your eyes  
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye"

He was singing along to a song playing from his PC, and as he did so, I noticed that he was also twitching his tail, though not in time to the melody. _He was twitching his tail in perfect time to the tempo_.

"Where did you receive music lessons?" I asked.

"They didn't have them at the school I attended."

"So where did you learn to follow the tempo of a song like that?"

"It's just something I do with my favourite music. In fact, in my mind I hold a track list with only three tracks on it, that goes from the newest track to the oldest, and also from the track with the slowest tempo to the one with the fastest. 'Room of Angel' by Melissa Williamson, which is what's playing, is the first track on that list."

"What are the other songs?"

"'19-2000' by the Gorillaz, and 'Bastian's Happy Flight' composed by Klaus Doldinger. In that order."

"'Bastian's Happy Flight'?"

"The tune that plays when Atreyu rides Falcor after seeing the Southern Oracle in 'The Never Ending Story,' and while Bastian and Falcor are flying over Fantasia then chasing the bullies near the end."

"Wait. You're saying that a classical piece has a faster tempo than a dance track?"

"I can demonstrate it if you like."

I shook my head. "I believe you, you obviously have a natural gift for music."

"So many of us do, so few of us have it get picked up on. I guess I just got lucky, or maybe it's because I'm now a freak of nature."

"Who's 'us'?"

"Autistic people, of course."

"And how do you mean, 'you got lucky'?"

"I'm currently engaged in talks down at the Music Factory, although I'm not holding my hopes up. Recording companies tend to prefer terms that are unfavourable for the artist and extremely favourable for themselves."

"What's it like being a…" I consulted the shorthand notes I'd taken so far, "an Argonian?"

"Weird, especially using the toilet. I've got used to it, though. I've had a lot of fun because of the fact I can't easily get drunk on Earth alcohol. I've also had a fair number of MRIs because it's been thought that just a few operations will give me a human body again. Of course, I've always refused such operations because of the huge odds against success, and the fact that I'm now truly unique."

"How is using the toilet weird?"

"I'm not going to go into detail on that, just google lizard anatomy. That should give you a fair idea, then you can write what you like."

"You mentioned 'the mating season' earlier. What's that like?"

"Imagine liking sex only with yourself, then imagine knowing that stronger instincts force you to have sex with someone else, your chosen mate, every day for three months of the year. Then imagine your relief that those stronger instincts take over so completely that your conscious mind is never really there during the entire time."

" _Jesus Christ_!" I muttered as I envisioned it. Then I asked, "How do you dress yourself and feed during those months?"

"I don't know," Sheogorath answered. "You'll have to ask my mam or my chosen mate after the next mating season."

"How is she your mum?"

"She gave birth to me. Oh, come on! I wasn't born like this, you know. I got sucked into one of my games and came out changed. I told you that earlier, but you obviously weren't listening. That's why I'm telling you all this, so my story can act as a cautionary tale about gaming too much. It's been shown that I still have my original footprints, which is what helped to prove my human identity. And you haven't even asked about shedding my skin."

"You shed your skin?" I was surprised.

"Oh, yeah. I'm due to start any day now, then I'll have a week of misery ahead. I itch all over, but it hurts too much to scratch. So I have to put up with what feels like the world's worst case of hives until my new skin is entirely exposed. And I have to put up with it once every year for another seven years until I'm fully grown. Thank God it's not more often!"

"Who is your chosen mate?"

"I'm not telling you who that is here, but while I was trapped in Oblivion, it was my sire, Vicente."

"You said that Vicente's a man?"

"Yeah. What of it?"

"This is the first time I've ever heard of a gay lizard."

"I'm not a lizard, I'm an Argonian. There is a difference, you know. But yeah, I'm apparently the first gay Argonian in existence. Bethesda Softworks didn't include people like me in any of their games that I played, so I'm surprised that Vicente accepted me. Or maybe because I was in the game when I shouldn't have been, we weren't subject to BethSoft's arbitrarily puritanical coding."

I chuckled. This kid had quite a way with words. Then I asked him what he drank every day.

"Just whatever I feel like. Properly, I don't need to drink anything at all because I get enough moisture from my food, but there's so many things I like that only come in liquid form, like Pepsi, root beer, and Mountain Dew. Not forgetting vodka, WKD, VK, absinthe, and Jack Daniels, of course!"

"Absinthe?"

"Yeah. At a drinking competition at this place I was at, we started with four cherry VKs each, went on to two JD and colas, two Sambucas, then finished with two absinthes. I was the only one able to walk away in a straight line!"

"Didn't you even get tipsy?"

"Oh, yeah, but I didn't get drunk. I never do now."

"And what kind of blood do you prefer?"

"Big cats' because it's like Khajiiti blood, but I only get it twice a month. Right now, all that's in my fridge is sheep's blood, cows' blood, and pigs' blood. Yours was the first human blood I've had since leaving Cyrodiil."

"Well, I think I've asked everything I can think of for now. May I come back if I think of anything else to ask you?"

"Yeah, sure. Just don't come so early next time. Unless you want to be fed from again!"

Sheogorath escorted me back downstairs and to the front door, then once it had closed behind him, I set about retrieving my cameras from where I had placed them. Even though I had been at the house for over two hours, all of the cameras were still running, and I felt relief that I'd had the foresight to purchase large capacity memory cards for them. After collecting them all, I took the cameras back to my car and put them in the boot before getting in the driver's seat. Just as I switched on the engine, I saw a dark, tailed figure flash past at about twenty-five miles per hour and thought that I was hallucinating. However, as I was waiting at the junction to the main road, Sheogorath came walking back around the corner at a more sedate eight miles per hour, a 500ml bottle of Mountain Dew in each hand, and I knew that either I was seeing things, or he had some amazing abilities he hadn't told me about. Shaking my head and chuckling to myself, I set off back to Sheffield.

Once I reached my own house, I pulled the car into the drive and shut off the engine before getting the cameras out of the boot and carrying them inside. I had a goldmine in my arms, and I wanted to dig into it and see what I had unearthed. I took the cameras to my PC and removed the memory cards before slotting the first one into the tower, then clicked on 'Open Folder to View Files' under 'General Options.' I started the video and fast forwarded it until I could see through Sheogorath's bedroom window as he sashayed across his bedroom floor and finally sank his fangs into my neck. The joyous grimace on my face as I climaxed, clutching Sheogorath tightly, could clearly be seen.

I checked the rest of the memory cards, but the only other interesting thing was on the one from the camera that I had positioned outside the kitchen window. First, Sheogorath attacking me as I went to open his fridge, then, nearly two hours later, him walking into the kitchen after we had said goodbye and opening that fridge himself before taking out a transparent container with a suspiciously dark red fluid in it. Sheogorath drank the fluid, then licked the container clean of every clinging trace with obvious relish before placing it in the sink. Then he left the kitchen again.

I sat in front of my PC, pondering on everything I had just experienced. Yes, Sheogorath was unique, and was certainly deserving of the positive attention that he was receiving in his neighbourhood, but would the rest of the world be so understanding of him? Especially if they saw the footage of him feeding on me after attacking me. That was when I made my decision. Before typing out this account, I deleted the data on all of the cameras' memory cards. Once I've finished, I will print this out to read it over in hard print as I can barely believe it really happened. Then, since I have no safe and reliable way to destroy this, I will put it in an envelope and put that into a plastic box before burying it as deep as I can. If anyone should find this, I beg you not to read it. However, if you do decide to satisfy your curiosity, then please shred and burn this after reading it, and never breathe a word to any other living soul.

With all my trust in your good nature,  
Richard Marsden, News Reporter, The Star, Sheffield.

**Author's Note:**

> Copyright © 2011 Romersa’s Protégé. Individuals and groups are free to copy and share this work for all purposes except large scale distribution, subject to credit being given and any derivatives being released under the same or a similar licence. All other rights reserved.


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